Yes, my hands are full.

Our family has entered into a new and challenging, but exciting chapter in our lives.  Most obviously we are now a family of five with a baby girl to complement the two older boys.  But in addition, due to a string of rather unexpected circumstances, I have given up working outside the home to stay home with the kids.  This rather last minute decision was an answer to years of praying, working and waiting.  On a good day being at work while the kids were at daycare or being shuttled to school by my hubby were wistful as I enjoyed texted photos or quick phone chats during their morning routine that did not include me.  Then there were the days that leaving the kids was agonizing; when one of the boys was sick, if I had to leave for a few days on an out-of-town trip, or when I just wanted to be there to see them eat breakfast in jammies and bed-heads while their dad provided the morning entertainment.

Then God decided that wasn't all He had in store for this mamma.  After the decision was made for me to stay home, one night my hubby non-nonchalantly said to our soon-to-be second grader "You know you could stay home with mom and be homeschooled."  I was stunned.  My oldest son replied; "Really?  That would be cool."  I looked at the two of them.  Their faces remained calm as they continued with the business of getting ready for bed as if no one had just suggested changing the course of our child's future in one fell swoop.  I also chose to remain calm...at least for the time being.

Now this wasn't the first time we had discussed homeschooling.  Hubby and I have talked about it for years, especially after our oldest had started kindergarten.  I'll save the details as to why for another time but up until now it had been something we had just talked about; and something that I thought I was more interested in than he was.  So later that night when I asked him "Did you really mean what you said about homeschooling?"  He simply replied: "Sure.  I don't see what it could hurt."  And in one incredibly unremarkable conversation yet another one of my long time desires was plopped squarely into my lap, much to my shock.

So long story short; after some extremely valuable advice from a couple of my dear homeschooling friends and some research, planning and curriculum purchases we officially became homeschoolers!  I feel like this blog post could also be titled: "Confessions of a Closet Homeschooler".  We don't go out of our way to keep it a secret that we were homeschooling or anything, those friends and immediate family that we see or talk to regularly certainly know.  But we haven't really advertised it either.  Partially because that's just not our thing, but also because I needed time to wrap my head around the what, how and why of our daily school operations before I could even really answer questions about it.

And how is it going?  When I am out somewhere during the day with three kids and an agenda in motion I frequently get the comment: "It looks like you've got your hands full!"  Which I always find funny.  What does that mean exactly?  That I look like a ragged baby-schlepping mess of a frazzled momma closely followed by a wild blurry streak of chaotic boy energy?  Or maybe like a circus juggler with flaming torches spinning wildly before my keenly focused eyes; watch out folks any one of these could go flying your way without warning!  I know I know, its just one of those things that people say; but really, what is the alternative?  To have empty hands?  Most of the friends and family I know that do not have young kids are not people that I would describe as lackadaisical or even with much free time to spare.  When we find ourselves with empty hands don't most of us just find something to fill them anyway?  Whether its work, hobbies, travel, projects or friends I feel like most people that are able will busy themselves at least enough to truly be tired at the end of a day if not flat out exhausted.  And of course like most new endeavors, this experience of being mother to three and a homeschooler is teaching me just as many new things as my little students.  These days I think the biggest lesson is that being a wife and mother is often more about having the heart of a servant than anything.  Somebody always needs something and sometimes everybody needs it at the same time.  If I don't take care of them who will?  There are never enough hours in the day but that causes us to think about how we spend our time.  What did I do with the last 24 hours?  Did I make today count?  Even if it was just in some small way, so often it really is the little things that matter most.  Stopping to listen while my little boy tells me what he just created out of blocks and how it works.  Sometimes its just making sure to read that book that I promised I was going to read or doing a puzzle together. Or giving a really good hug, you know the kind that you wish would never end. 

There are times now that I catch myself and realize that the life I am living is almost surreal.  Like in a pinch myself kind of way.  I never would have dreamed that I would be where I am right now and though of course it is far from easy it is so darn good.  I get to make dinner instead of relaying to the hubby what to throw together over the phone as I hurry home from work.  I get to kiss the scraped knees and see the grins as they pull on their favorite superhero t-shirt in the morning.  I get to see the baby roll across the room and know that I just witnessed the first time that actually happened instead of hearing someone else tell me about it.  At some point, every day I watch as the boys give their baby sister adoring smiles, they whisper secrets into her ears and plant big wet kisses onto her head and hands as she coos lovingly at them.  Sure there are days that are frustrating and exasperating.  When the kids are bickering and won't listen to reason.  Those days that the baby won't nap and I can't seem to accomplish anything.  Do I ever miss working outside the home?  No, I do not.  Maybe someday I will but for now not at all.  This is more important and more urgent to me.  So maybe the house is untidy, there might be a huge pile of laundry undone, sometimes dishes are sitting in the sink and I often can't walk through a room without inadvertently kicking a lego across the floor.  Yes, I'm not wearing makeup and my hair was hastily done.  We are wearing clothes straight out of the laundry folded into a basket that was never put away.  Dinner tonight might just be leftovers plus a salad and oops I forgot to start the dishwasher again.  Yes, my hands are full, but so is my heart.