Romantically challenged on V-day?

With Valentine’s Day upon us I was compelled to share some suggestions for this pseudo-holiday that is ignored by some and dreaded by many.  As a firm believer that V-day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies and the like, our family celebrates this occasion, but we try to make it about doing nice things for each other rather than buying the commercial stuff the stores aim at you.  We make simple homemade cards and I usually bake some cookies or cupcakes and get some kind of little toys or trinkets for the boys.

As for me and the Hubs, well sometimes we do something special and sometimes not.  I have been on the receiving end of some very fun V-day gifts over the years (12 years that is!) and well lets be honest some not so fun.  (ahem, a circular statistics book honey?)  But the good do far outnumber the bad and I am proud to say that my bearded Hubster has been doing a fantastic job in the gift department for the last few years; we've even had a few gift selection home runs folks!  But without further ado here is my humble attempt at providing guidance to the romantically challenged (that means most of you men out there).

NOTE:  These guidelines are intended for couples that are married and have kids, or at least have been married for more than a year or two.  For the engaged, newlyweds, or those still dating you should feel free to read up; but fellas, the expectations of your lady friend will probably be closer to the realm of movie romance (Love Actually? Ever After?) than the solid ground of reality.  So no 100% guarantee or anything here.  But dream on while you can girls; and as much as we might hate to admit it there is still a bit of princess buried deep inside all of us married mommas.  Just in case you handsome knights need some suggestions:

Here are some pretty solid rules on what not to do:

1. Even if she says she thinks flowers are a waste of money, don’t listen to her, get her flowers.  Preferably her favorite kind (which means you will have to uncover this deep dark secret she has likely shared with you at least 1000 times, or whenever she sees said variety of flower).  If you have one of those uber-practical gals that hand weaves her children’s clothing and makes whole grain lasagna noodles from scratch then just get her a pretty flower in a pot of dirt so it will last a long time.  
2.  Skip the candy.  Don’t get me wrong, I love me some chocolate, and therefore I eat it almost every day; so its not really all that special.  Sorry guys.  If you truly believe your girl will consider candy a special treat then please at least steer clear of the stuff that comes in a heart-shaped box with fake flowers hot glued to the lid.  That stuff tastes terrible.  Just buy her favorite kind of sweets (hopefully you know that, if not start searching the trash cans for wrappers).
3.  Stuffed animals are not a romantic gift unless your special lady is under the age of twelve.
4. When it comes to fancy lingerie, let’s be serious guys; that is a gift for you.  
5. I don’t care how practical and down-to-earth your girl is, save the sensible and useful gifts for some other holiday; especially when it comes to home goods.  I don’t care how long she has had her eye on that shiny new toaster oven; it does not make a romantic V-day gift.

Here are some guidelines to aim you in the right direction:

1. Take your lady out on a date (this means you leave the kids at home, preferably under the supervision of a responsible individual – but in a pinch anyone over 14 without a criminal record will do).  *Special Note*: The date does NOT actually have to be on V-day, but if it is not you should present her with a nice little something on the big V-day and say something real suave such as: “I could only get a sitter on Saturday night, but I’m taking you out to dinner and a movie then.  Love you babe.”  You’ll melt her heart.
2. If you have absolutely no idea what your woman likes you are going to have to start paying more attention.  (Sorry this won’t help you out today but if you are desperate just go for something pretty she can wear that does not come from the underwear department)  When she opens it you should say something like, “I didn’t know if you would like it, but I think it will look beautiful on you.”  On paying attention, do whatever you have to do, keep a notepad in your pocket – even an old receipt will do - and when she says something like: “Isn’t this pretty? But I don’t really need it.” WRITE IT DOWN!  This will get easier as you do it and after a couple of holidays you will be Prince Charming in no time.
3. If at this point you are thinking: “I have absolutely no money to buy anything at all, I’m doomed!”  Fear not, this is your opportunity to give the Super Meaningful Gift That Didn’t Cost Anything!  Examples include a poem you wrote, a song you sing her, making her a romantic candle-lit dinner, taking her back to the place you proposed and saying all kinds of “I Love You stuff”, carve her a little heart out of wood from a branch of the tree you were standing under when you first met, etc.  You will have to be creative in this case but fortunately for you there is a wonderful invention called the internet where you can pirate all kinds of great romantic free ideas from other folks out there that are willing to share.
4. Similar to the above category of No Money, if you instead have A Little Bit of Money, you are in an even better situation.  There are multitudes of great thoughtful gifts you can give your lady that cost just a little.  Some ideas might be a nicely framed photo of you two on your honeymoon, of her and the kids, or possibly a lovely scenic one you snapped during your last vacation (hopefully you’ve taken one - a vacation that is).  Or drive her to a special surprise location (some nearby lovely scenery perhaps?) for a fancy dessert.  Again, the internet is your friend here.
5. Just try.  I get it, trying to be a romantic stud and failing is worse than just not being romantic at all.  But think about how much you love that feisty gal and all the things that are great about her.  Isn't she worth risking your pride just a little?  Where's your sense of adventure?  If Frodo had given up that easily where would Middle Earth be now? 

PS - When it comes to being romantic try to go for something she will have the chance to tell her friends about over and over again, extra bonus points for that. (ex: when she wears the gift you got her someone will say, “Oh what a pretty bracelet...etc.” She will say, “Thanks, my handsome guy got it for me” and they will say “How sweet, isn’t he the best?” and she will say “Yes, he is!”) and repeat every time she gets a compliment on her nice little something you gave her.  This also works for those creative low-cost ideas: “Guess what my man did for V-day!”…“What?” and she gets to say all kinds of awesome things about your thrifty romanticness.  

To the ladies; if you think your guy isn't doing a very good job of getting it right on V-day and other high-pressure holidays (birthday, anniversary, Christmas) then you likely aren't dropping good enough hints.  For instance, try sending him an email a few weeks before a holiday with links to all kinds of fun stuff you love (various prices) and title it "In case you're ever looking for a gift idea for me."  Then whenever he gets you something you don't hate, tell him you like it and how thoughtful he is and say thank you more than once.  I know it's not ideal, but you have to start somewhere, give your man a break, romance takes practice. 

So there it is, 10 easy tips to make you a romantic beast of a man.  But seriously guys, all us girls really want is for you to show us that you care.  Just a little time and a little thought, maybe a little cash if you can spare it is all it takes to show your favorite female that she ranks right up there with sports talk and meat off the grill.  The thing is, we ladies know that you love us, we just want you to put a little effort into showing it and if we need a fake holiday to give you an excuse to do that...well Happy Valentines Day.